It is a Monday afternoon in Wellington. Journalists gather in the Beehive’s theatrette for the weekly post-cabinet media briefing. The Prime Minister enters. 

Prime Minister: Good afternoon, everyone. Today, I’d like to make a few simple statements about New Zealand. Firstly, New Zealand is in the South Pacific Ocean. Secondly, the kiwi is a flightless bird native to New Zealand. And finally, Wellington is New Zealand’s capital city. 

Media: Prime Minister, you say New Zealand is in the South Pacific. Can you give us the exact coordinates? 

PM: Well, New Zealand spans several degrees of latitude and longitude. 

Media: So, you’re refusing to pinpoint our nation’s location? What are you hiding? 

PM: I’m not hiding anything. New Zealand is a large country. 

Media: Prime Minister, your coalition partner recently suggested that New Zealand could be towed closer to Australia. How do you respond to that? 

PM: I don’t think anyone has seriously suggested that. New Zealand’s location is fixed. 

Media: Are you saying your coalition partner is lying? Is there a rift in the Government? 

PM: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. 

Media: Sources close to Cabinet say you’ve been secretly funding flying lessons for kiwis. Is that why you’re emphasising their flightless nature? 

PM: What? No, kiwis are naturally flightless. 

Media: So, you’re admitting to discrimination against flightless birds? Isn’t that divisive? 

PM: I don’t see how that’s relevant. 

Media: Prime Minister, in your maiden speech you mentioned enjoying Auckland. Have you done a U-turn on your support for Wellington as the capital? 

PM: No, I enjoy both cities. Wellington is still the capital. 

Media: A simple yes or no, Prime Minister: Will you resign if kiwi birds start flying tomorrow? 

PM: That’s an absurd hypothetical. 

Media: You’re dodging the question! What are you afraid of? 

PM: I’m not afraid of anything, it’s just not a realistic scenario. 

Media: Are you willing to commit to a referendum on moving the capital to the Chatham Islands to boost their economy? 

PM: Look, I think we’re getting off track. Today, all I wanted was to present you with three basic facts about our country. If there are no further questions, I’ll wrap things up here. 

Media: [Collective gasp] Did you just say “facts” and “today”? Are you implying that everything else you’ve told us so far has been fiction? 

PM: No, that’s not what I … 

Media: BREAKING NEWS: PM admits to years of government fabrications!